Emma Jordan
Critical Reflection
Section I: Process near self-Destruction
Detail "2448". 2024
Process, equally if not more important than product, has always been a significant attribute to thinking and creating my work, However it is very easy to put the work before oneself and develop problematic processes that do not emphasize the humanness of an artist and can lead to self-destructive behaviours in favour of creating impactful work. This issue amplifies when the work in the studio is directly related to the traumatized, afflicted, or challenged artist. Something I have always been proud of is that I take my mental health extremely seriously, and have put in nearly a decade of intensive therapy and individual development. That does NOT mean that everything is under control at all times, so being aware of self-destructive tendencies is important when creating work in the studio that references heavy topics, especially ones close to home.
I have discovered that for my own studio experiences, leaning into the discomfort is a task that has helped the process of healing and addressing trauma. Through multiple avenues discussed further into this text piece, there have been developments in my personal views of the world that have created and held space for things that non-studio based practices have not had much impact in over time. To someone who does not have experience dealing with trauma, working in a way that can trigger yourself or create discomfort seems antithetical or contradictory, and it DOES run a variable risk to be. However in my experience, learning to fly very close to the limit, but knowing when to call it, is a skill I’ve taken a very long time to hone, and can create a cathartic dynamic in the studio, where my work is not only a representation of, but IS the healing itself. This has become an important coping mechanism, as an artist, and as a human, and a way to protect and encourage the inner child living within, who has not been able to process in the light.
Detail: Texture Study for Copeland Work, Material: Bin Bag
During my Copeland preparations, I was testing different forms of trauma onto/into bin liners. These experiments were where I landed on the title of this section, because I found that I had gotten too close to the line of self-destructive behaviour. The poked section provided the stimulation I needed to portray and process my work, however when I felt it wasn't far enough I tried slicing the bag with a rotary knife. This process became immensely triggering, and I had to stop immediately and put it away to be documented later on, when I did not feel attached to it. I'm inherently glad this happened as I found a boundary that I can keep referring to, so that I can hold myself accountable in my practice to not contribute to self-destructive behaviours in the name of art practices.
After these tests I feel my work was successful, as it demanded the space and attention I wanted it to, to bring light to something dark, but also something private that can remain private unless read into deeply. My course-mates had made comments about the violence involved with creating the work, but without knowledge of why, which was exactly what I wanted people to think about, in their own experience.
"2448". 2024. 230x345cm. Plastic Sheets and Aluminum.
Section II: Repetition beyond Obsession
Repetition and Obsession, I feel, can be one in the same and completely opposing simultaneously. One can be obsessed with many things, moving forward, a process, a style, a context. However repetition is easily passed up as something that gets old, used, and moved beyond, an implication that repetition as a process still has an end. In my practice I have identified that repetition itself is an obsession for me, but it does not inherently mean staying in the same place, repeating emotions, feelings, structures, or ideas. It can mean giving space to slowly recognize something, a reaction, or a trauma. It is a response. Time is always moving forwards, therefore any repetition I make is not EXACTLY the same, It is in a new moment, a new heartbeat, a new breath, and a new thought, whether conscious or not. It brings comfort, reliability, and structure to a moment where chaos has been the norm for so long. Repeating has been a singular decision made in many dimensions, all creeping slightly closer to a realization. It too has become a coping mechanism. Much like flying a little too close to the sun, but never getting burned. It can become problematic very easily, can become compulsive, beyond obsessive, or trance-like.
Large Repetitions I, 4ftx4ft, Acrylic on MDF Board
Untitled Repetitions III, 22x30in, Acrylic on Paper
Untitled Repetitions II, 22x30in, Acrylic on Paper
Untitled Repetitions I, 22x30in, Acrylic on Paper
Shower thoughts I, 2024, water on Glass
Smudge Form Study, 22x30in, charocal on Paper
Text Form Study, 22x30in, charocal on Paper
Section III: Trauma forms and Architecture
Floor three, 2024, 35.5x64cm, charcoal on newsprint
Floor one, 2024, 35.5x64cm,
charcoal on newsprint
Trauma through architecture is a topic that I had not considered originally, until I noticed that the texture I was creating for Copeland had similarities to the floor outside the studio. It made me think of the Barbican, and how the surface of the concrete was slowly hand-chipped away to create strength and resiliency to the brutalist structure. The once smooth and untextured surface, that some would see as perfected, or ideal, had to be attacked at surface level to ensure it would last the years, the forces acted upon it, and the use of the space. To see is as a person, with internal life (the visitors of the building vs the organs of a person), the outside had to see roughness, and trauma, to protect the inner workings through time. Brutalist, is a perfect name for it.
Translating this into a smaller scale, the spaces within architecture, Sarah Woodfine and I had a laugh, about closets, small-spaces, and hidden locations in a building that provide safety, but also restriction. The metaphor of coming out of the closet, or putting something inside to hide it away from others, not to be seen or touched. When preparing for Copeland Gallery, I had folded up my work into a canvas bag, worried that someone might throw it away if seen (due to it being made out of bin bags). To protect it, Sarah and I decided it should be put into her office, locked away, but once inside, even then we both thought it would be better put inside the locked wardrobe.
So many layers of protection....
As the work I was producing was directly pulled from myself and the trauma that I have experienced, locking it away to not be further damaged or affected, seemed to make sense. However isolation and avoidance is the opposite of what trauma survivors need to be able to actually process, and not make it all seem that much bigger and more impending. By showing the piece in Copeland afterwards I seemed like a redemption of space and attention. Pulling it back out into the light, and ensuring that everyone who passed by would not be able to avoid it.
Floor four, 2024, 35.5x64cm, charcoal on newsprint
Floor two, 2024, 35.5x64cm, charcoal on newsprint
Section IV: Speed and Subconscious
I have experienced speed becoming a form of subconscious action and manipulation of surface in Term II. Using speed has trumped conscious thought, by quite literally outrunning it, encouraging movement of the body, and bilateral processes. During the "Impromptu" Exhibition, I was the artist in residence, and had the opportunity to draw while invigilating. Due to the quiet nature of invigilating a smaller show, there was plenty of time to overthink and wonder about the dynamics of my own work in relation to the course and art community. Creating work at the gallery began with slower more articulated drawings, then developed as I overthought, into a process that outran my own brain. Because I couldn't keep up with my body, I was forced to let it happen naturally, and it became a trance-like experience where the body DID know what it was doing, even if the brain had not decided for it.
This development has confirmed for me about bottom-up processing and how sometimes the mind can hinder the ability to move forward, but when deciphering the felt sense, body scanning, or acting on intuition prevails, the brain can slowly become accustomed to processing what was too much for it in the beginning (when using a top-down approach).
Speed and Subconscious, 150x200cm, Conté on Academia Paper
Details: Speed and Subconscious, 150x200cm, Conté on Academia Paper
I have reached out to a number of authors from the Contextual Reflection section, with the addition of Dr. Daniel Amen, and Composer Stephen Hilton who all focus on healing, and the brain, as well as hyper-focused approaches to their own journeys including neurodivergence. As of this moment in time, I have no responses. My next step is to return to the Wellcome Collection and reach out to Art therapists who are interested in sharing their experiences of healing through expressive arts.
Artists I want to continue researching in Term III
Tara Donovan
Jeanette Ehlers
Lynda Benglis
Shilpa Gupta
Jean Debuffet
Florence Peake
Henri Michaeux
Ushio Shinohara
Carolee Schneemann
CONTINUAL NOTES I'VE BEEN MAKING
-addressing trauma
---what is trauma?
---how does it arise in my practice?
---how do i address it through process?
---how do i address it through materiality?
---why the materials I've chosen
---how they work
---what they represent
---where to go from here?
-release
---how does process based work involves release?
---what can i do to push release in a healthy way?
---is release a main goal at all? has that changed and why?
---where to go from here?
-escapism
---why and how does escapism present in my work?
---is it important and why?
---what does it mean?
---keep it or lose it?
-self destruction vs self-care
---how does materiality imply the difference?
---can both co-exist?
---can this be explored safely?
---is this important? has it changed and why?
---can theory affect the studio process?
-repetition and obsession
---how has it changed since term I?
---has it moved forwards or backwards?
---can repetition be useful? why? How?
---is obsession ultimately negative? how can it be positive?
---where to go from here?